When Church hurts
For a decade I had attended the same church with my family in New Zealand and felt accepted and comfortable. We had emigrated from England and left our gorgeous sleepy village church and been Christians for a number of years. I remember the first day we walked in with our three sons, we had previously spent a year at another church where after that year we realised we had very few relationships and the teaching was not very bible based. So, we entered this new church expectations low and were definitely “only visiting”. A warm greeting from a lovely lady and her husband who remarkably would be the last couple I saw as I left the premises 10 years later with my heart in a very low place.
Now I look back I find that it is amazing that I had almost 10 good years at this church, with little to no upset, so many people I now know are hurt by people at church without such a fine run as 10 years! My hurt came from a meeting where something was said that shocked both myself and my husband, and when I look back, I now, with hindsight know that when hurt happens at church, God is OK at making us feel uncomfortable if His need for us to move is greater than our desire to stay comfortable.
The meeting I had, that caused such hurt, was awful, worse than I could have imagined, and in the words of the Children’s Ministry leader that attended , they were both brutal towards me. I walked in feeling wary and was inquisitive to what may happen, I left feeling attacked.
After the meeting, both my husband and I literally sat in the car outside the church, my husband reached for his phone, I reached for mine. He text our son to tell him we would be late for lunch as the meeting had overrun. I went to the notes part of my phone and wrote the words down that the Pastor had said to me.
I would go back to those notes, so many times, little did I know I was about to enter a time in my life similar to when I lost our first child at 7 and half months. Denial – Grief – Anger – Acceptance, I don’t know if that is the “text book” theory on hurt or grief, but that was the order for me; little did I know that for the next 7 or 8 months I was going to enter into the biggest depression, lowest point and extreme hurt that I had ever experienced.
I started the long process of self examination, the hurt was just starting. The problem is when you start to go into a process of hurt and your world is spinning in the wrong direction, you don’t know what is around the corner you start to isolate yourself your feelings and your hurt.
After weeks of prayer, wise counsel and long talks with my husband I decided I could no longer stay under this Pastors leadership. He was not a man I trusted, I could forgive him and the road to that forgiveness would be long with lots of teaching and studying, but reconciling would not be an option at this point. He had given me no reason to reconcile as he had never talked to me since the meeting where he said some vile things.
I started taking medication for depression and I longed to go to a Therapist, I got as far as looking up suitable people to sit with, but my lack of trust with anyone and everyone would never have allowed me to sit with anyone.
One thing that had been a constant in our lives was our Home Group, as soon as we set foot in our first church in NZ we joined a Home Group, we organised a babysitter each time and committed to doing Life and God with fellow Christians. Over the years this home group, as is the case with Home Groups took place in our home and the people changed, people moved churches, people moved on from living near us to other regions in NZ but our Home Group has been running now for some 20 years. God meets us in small groups, when people pray together for a common goal amazing prayer needs are met.
Forgiveness, three syllables but three thousand times as hard to do it as to say it.
Rick Warren tells us – “you know when you’ve experienced grace and you feel like you’ve been forgiven you’re a lot more forgiving of other people. You’re a lot more gracious to others.”
There are so many examples in the Bible of how we are forgiven. Therefore who am I not to forgive when I have been so forgiven for all of my life. How great is that feeling as a Christian, when you know you have done something wrong, said something wrong, shouted when you shouldn’t have lost your patience, acted incorrectly when you knew it was wrong. How loving that feeling when your head sinks into the pillow and in your secret head thoughts you can cry out to him and say “please forgive me” – all of our teaching tells us that we are forgiven, do I need to say it again, “we are forgiven”.
Luke 5:20 “And when he saw their faith he said “Man your sins are forgiven you”.
Jeremiah 31:34 “ For they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest declares the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity and I will remember their sin no more”. There’s the truth, the Lord will remember our sin no more, forgotten, no memory of it, amazing.
What does forgiveness look like in the real world? For me it is not reacting, never letting that person know they have caused you hurt, it is genuinely looking them in the eyes and still loving them. It is the forgiveness we give our children when they do or say something that cuts us to the bone, as the thousands, no millions of things that you have ever done and sacrificed for them and given of yourself to them surely out way what they have just done or said to you.
Forgiveness is like forgiving our children as at the end of the day we love them, one of the best books I have ever read is “a new kind of normal” by Carole Kent . It shows the mothers love of a son and the forgiveness that naturally flows. Her son kills another man, he takes another life, what would you do, I know that nothing any of my sons could do would stop me loving them, nothing, I would not find excuses for them or their actions, I would not find justification, I would simply forgive them because forgiving them is as easy as loving them, it never stops.
The hurt I experienced from this Church gave me a huge lesson in forgiveness, learning what this really means. Greg Boyd, a fantastic teaching Pastor from the US tells us, we don’t need to be doormats, forgiveness and reconciliation are two completely different things. We need to forgive but like the battered wife we really don’t need to go back and return to the husband for another beating.
True forgiveness means, we forgive the person that has caused hurt, that person has a debt with us, they have committed trespasses, we must release them of the burden. To do this we must tell that person they are released, forgiven.
How do you learn to let go, this statement helped me –
If the Church does not look, sound, and act like Jesus its Founder, then it is not the church, but rather something else. Jesus is always the only true measure of its authenticity.
So when we are hurt by Church, we must realise that this hurt comes from people, and I think that hurt is twice as hard as these people claim to be followers of Christ. However hurt within the church must not be confused with God. He is our constant, we forgive the people and realise that God never left our side. I have met so many people in my life who have been hurt by Church. The real trick to not being hurt by Church is to
Be quick to forgive
Examine why this hurt is happening is God allowing it because He wants you to leave and follow His plans for your life
Never leave a Church with an offense
Let the hurt heal, don’t pick at the wound (give it life, talk about it) and make sure the wound is healed into a scar, something you may remember but be reminded that it is healed, you have learnt from it.
God was certainly moving in our lives, the beginning was hurt at Church the end was God wanting us to move Countries so that we would fulfill His desire for our lives. At the time, when you are deep down the well that is hurt, and it keeps piling on we never stop to think “why is this all happening, why is God letting this happen.” Listen very carefully, check your heart thoughts - think, is this happening because God wants us to move away from this hurt, or what is the lesson for us in this hurt. We didn’t rush, we took almost a year and a half to realise that God was really working in our lives. Our business sold releasing a huge blessing to our lives. Our sons needs suddenly seem to be in different Countries. The journey wasn’t easy and most of me wanted to flee back to the comfort of friends and people who loved us in England. However, we have to “Be still and know that He is God.” hurt sometimes happens because our “next” is something we never could have imagined.
The benefit of being hurt by church, well, it is huge, I now can help people who are going through hurt. If your wound is really healed, God will use what you have learnt for good.
In churches you will find people saying that their first priority is to love, however, their actions are very different. Most are thoughtless, don’t take time with their flock and say and do things that cut people down without leaders even giving it a second thought. I was recently serving at a Church, for a “reason and a season” - His reason and season; where people would come to me and complain that the leaders rushed past them and didn’t stop to speak or even act kindly, “how was this love”, they would ask. I now try and help these people understand that - If the Church does not look, sound, and act like Jesus its Founder, then it is not the church, but rather something else. Jesus is always the only true measure of its authenticity. People will let you down but God won’t.
So, I say, if Church hurts, sometimes it may not be a place to remain, some hurts can be overcome, but leaders in church rarely have the education and courage that some business leaders would have to deal with managing and resolving conflict. The trick is to let go of the hurt and realise that people will let you down but God won’t and He is working on you and with you in times of hurt.
Remember The Church is a building You are His Temple.
